Our big fat move

So, I'd pretty much decided to give up blogging. I just don't have enough to say that someone else out there isn't already saying. However, recent big changes have led me to change my mind. Namely, moving 4 hours away, changing jobs, and growing tired of everyone asking why we would possibly want to live in the small town in the middle of nowhere. So here it is, I'm finally ready to open up, and fess up, to what's going on with the Jeska fam.
Last fall, we came home to Great Bend, a small town in Central Kansas where my parents and sister and brother in law live, for a quick weekend visit. Every visit with my family is too short, but this one was especially hard, my heart truly felt pulled. I felt like God was telling me this we where we were supposed to be, supposed to raise our boys. I cried most of the way back to Kansas City after that trip.  I cried because I was tired of feeling like I was always saying goodbye to family, because I felt like my boys would grow up without knowing what it meant to have big family dinners on a regular basis, because my mom has always been my best friend and I was tired of being without her. Mostly I cried because I felt stuck. Chris and I talked a lot about it during that drive. We promised to spend time in prayer, seeking guidance and open doors. For a while nothing changed, good jobs can be hard to find in a small town, but our patience did finally pay off. I interviewed for a job at HaysMed and was offered a position in mid March. At this point we still weren't sure what Chris would do, but through family connections we were sure he could find decent employment here. Once again, God answered prayer. After discussion with his managers and his boss, he found out he will be able to stay on with his current company and work from home in Great Bend! God is so good!
I also have always wanted to raise my boys in a small town. I truly was terrified of having kids with a bad case of what I like to call "Johnson County Syndrome." I hope here in Great Bend, we can find a slower pace with more time to just. Be. Family.
Now for what tends to become the elephant in the room; "you're living with your parents?!?"
Chris and I both went to private college, it's where we met and fell in love. I wouldn't trade that for any amount of money in the world. However, in the process, we also acrued a significant amount of student loan debt. In Kansas City, we were able to get by, but I'd be lying if I told you we weren't living paycheck to paycheck most of the time to keep up. We got tired of spinning our wheels and feeling like we were getting nowhere, like we'd be paying on these loans for 30 years and stuck in a vicious cycle until we were over 50. We both wanted more than that. We want to enjoy life,
We don't want to just get by. We want family vacations, we want a nice home, we want private school for our boys, we wanted things we just couldn't afford if we wanted to pay off all this debt. We read the Dave Ramsey book a few times. I don't agree with a lot of what he says, but we did see clearly that something had to change, and if we stayed in KC, or even came here and got a place of
our own, it wouldn't. On top of wanting to get all those loans paid off, Chris is planning on going back to school in the fall, and this time we wanted to be able to afford to pay tuition out of pocket, no more student loans for us!. To say living with my parents is a sacrifice would be a stretch to say the least. My mom and dad are so incredibly supportive, they have made the whole transition better than I could have imagined. We have a whole floor with 3 bedrooms all to ourselves, in ways I feel like we have more space than we did in our home in Gardner. The neighborhood is one Ive always dreamed of raising my boys in. Benton has already had hours of fun playing with two neighbor boys his age. But its been hard being away from Chris while he finishes things up in KC. It's also been very humbling, some days I wake up and feel like a huge failure for having to move back home. Satan reminds me that I'm not good enough, because while everyone else is moving forward, we had to take some giant leaps back.  I try to remind myself that we are doing the right thing, and I really do believe we are.
I'm excited to post pictures of our new bedrooms and bathroom once they are all remodeled, and I'll keep you posted on my new job and some exciting things coming up for Benton. In the meantime, will you please pray for my heart in this time of adjustment. Pray that we quickly find Christian friends our age to do life with, and that we find our niche in the new small town.

Rainy morning

Early this morning Benton came running into my room crying. Even small rainstorms have always been a bit scary for him.
"Mommy, why does the rain and thunder have to come to our house?"
"The rain has to come so new things can grow," was the only answer I could come up with in my dazed, still half asleep state. Then it hit me, the simplicity of the analogy that I've heard a million times. It's old and cliche but to me today, in this weather, it was beautiful. It was the reminder I needed.
The past few weeks have felt a little grey and cloudy. The past few days my spirit has felt weary, like it was left out in a cold rain. I'm reminded this morning of God's promises of new mercies, and the beauty of his blessings through trials.
Can you sense the new things about to grow? I think I can :)

tough choices

I hate decisions.
Don't ask me where I want to go for dinner, I don't care.
Don't make me choose which outfit you should wear, I think they both look great.
The truth is, I've always been horrible at making up my mind. Part of it is the woman in me, and the other part of it is the planner in me. If I can't know with certainty the outcome of any particular situation, I can't feel confident choosing a direction. Then I had kids...
Did you know decisions are 287 times harder to make once you have kids? (I'm not sure on those exact numbers, but that's what it feels like...someone should do a study...) Every little choice feels like it will completely change the course of your children's lives, and nothing is more scary than thinking things could be less than perfect for little people who rely entirely on you for everything. More than lack of sleep, temper tantrums, and never ending laundry combined, big decisions are, in my opinion, the hardest part of being a parent.
Lately Chris and I have been in the middle of a few very big decisions. Deciding to go back to school, deciding to possibly change jobs, and as a result of both those decisions, deciding to move away from Kansas City. There are so many reasons I feel like we should move ahead with these decisions, and so many reasons I'm terrified we will regret it. I worry about moving away from both of the boys' God-parents, all of our best friends, our small group. I'm scared to leave behind the home where both of my boys have spent most of their lives so far, like moving will cause me to lose the memories. I sit here, literally crying, because I am so scared of the unknown.
My dear friend gave me the "Jesus Calling" devotional book for Christmas (if you don't have it, go out right now this second and buy it...seriously). I loved this tidbit from a few days back:
"... when the path becomes rocky and steep. Breathe deep draughts of My Presence, and hold tightly to My hand. Together we can make it!"
Will you pray for us? Pray that we would find clear guidance in the weeks and months ahead, as well as peace in the decisions we make, that the right doors are opened at the right times, and that in the meantime I am able to cherish these moments of the "in-between."

In my head today...

**PUBLISHERS COMMENT: This is another post that rambles. Sorry, I've been doing that a lot lately. I guess my mind is adrift and this is how I process my thoughts**

I became one of them. I swore I never would. It happened anyway. I became one of those people who checks their phone every 5 minutes, who can't let an e-mail go for more than 24 hours unanswered, who didn't want to miss a Facebook post or Instagram photo op.
In the midst of all the new high tech ways to connect I was missing out on chances to connect with the people right in front of me, face to face.
I had to take a hard look at myself and how attached I was becoming to my phone, and I didn't like what I was seeing. It started small, no big deal if I answer this call really quick during dinner, right? Then it grew. I'm just going to check my e-mail REALLY quick before I get that juice Benton just asked me for. Suddenly I felt like I'd missed it all.
I hate admitting that I forgot how to just sit, how to just BE.
Do you remember when you were 10, and if you needed to talk to a friend, you knew you had to wait until they would be home to answer the phone? Remember when you would get actual pictures from family in the (REAL) mailbox? Remember how all that was okay? Somedays I think about getting rid of my smartphone all together, sometimes I HATE knowing what's going on with everyone and how crazy competitive it can make me. Why do I let it bug me when my cowoker has 37 likes on a photo of thier kid and I only have 4? Why do I find myself jealous when somone gets a chance to craft that Pintrest project before I do and everyone tells them what an awesome idea it is? Why do I care??? More importantly, how do I stop it?
I'm taking a step back this holiday season, I'm not sure for how long. I've deleted Instagram, Facebook, and Pintrest apps from my phone. I'm checking peoples blogs less and calling people more than texting to catch up. I'm finding ways to really truly savor each day with my boys, it is flying by too fast and I'm tired of feeling like I'm missing it.
I hope I can encourage you in the last days of this holiday season to join me- put your phone away for a few hours. Don't even check it, put it on silent and leave it alone while you squeeze your kids and laugh with your husband...and if you can't reach me, know that I'm doing the same  :)

Dealing

Wow. Sigh. Wow.
I don't know how to process what happened today, I don't know where to start. I feel like I owe it to myself to write this post so I can, at least in some shape, work though my thoughts.
Shortly after hearing the news I looked in the eyes of my 3 year old son and began to weep. How? Why? It makes me want to scream and vomit at the same time. It makes me want to lock my doors and never leave my children's sides. Our hearts are heavy and our heads are spinning as we greave for the families in CT tonight.
There are questions that will never be answered but my trust remains in a God who bears all our burdens and hears all our prayers. Even in these dark hours I see that glimmer of light. With Christmas so close, I can find peace in His promises, even as I fear for the future of my boys.

Innocent babies are being cradled by the loving arms of angels tonight, and they will never again shed a tear or feel pain. May our hearts remember that this world is not our home, this story is not the end. May all of us who have children waiting for us in Heaven remember that the Christmas story is the beginning of the reason we will one day hold them in our arms again.

Pie, pie, oh my!

Our church recently had their annual fall festival (oh wait...not that recent...a month ago) and of course, I had to enter a pie in the annual pie contest. I needed to find a way to top my pie from last year (last year I did a peanut butter fudge pie that won best presentation) and I think I did! I made it again for Thanksgiving and actually got to eat a big fat slice topped with ice cream. Yum. Add this pie to your Christmas table, I promise you won't be disappointed!  I make mine with a from scratch pie crust, because that buttery flaky crust is my favorite part of any pie, but you could also do a frozen crust if you're feeling lazy or crunched for time.

Caramel Cranberry Apple Pie



Pie crust:

2 1/2 cups all purpose flour

1 tsp salt

1 tsp sugar

1 cup butter

1/4 cup very cold water

Cut your butter into very small pieces and put half of them in the freezer and the other half in the fridge for about 15 minutes.

Break out your hefty Kitchen Aid stand mixer and combine the flour, salt, sugar and butter until just mixed (your butter should still be chunky).

Add 1/4 cup ice cold water and mix until crumbly but holds together when squeezed. Add more water 1 tbsp at at time if needed. DO NOT over mix. You want those little chunks of butter because they will create the buttery little air pockets when you bake.

Turn onto work surface and knead once or twice into a ball. Chill until ready to use.

Filling:

4 green apples

1/2 cup butter

1 tbsp flour

2 tbsp cornstarch

2 tbsp water

1 tbsp vanilla extract

1/2 cup white sugar

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp nutmeg

1 bag dried cranberries

Preheat oven to 350 F. Fill a medium bowl with water. Peel and slice apples and place in the water to prevent them from browning until you are ready for them.

Melt the butter in a medium-large pot over medium heat. Stir in flour and cornstarch to create a roux. Add 2 tbsp of water and the vanilla, sugars, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Bring to a simmer. Drain apples and add along with cranberries. Cook 5 min, stirring constantly. Remember to stand over the pot and savor the aroma, I swear at this point you have the smell of the holidays all simmering in one big pot.

 Remove from heat and allow to cool while you roll out crusts.

Divide your dough in half and roll one half out on a lightly floured surface. You want your dough approx 14 inches around to fill a 9 inch pie plate. Fill with your mixture of apple yumminess and add your second crust. You can cover the whole thing and slit, create a lattice top, or get extra festive and cut out some leaves like I did! Sprinkle with extra cinnamon sugar if desired.



Bake at 350 for 50-60 min until crust is golden. Best when served a la mode :)

Now it's your turn! Link back with your favorite holiday dessert!!!

Fail

So the toddler lunch thing...yeah...about that...
In theory it was a great idea, and I'm super proud of myself that I can honestly say I haven't repeated a lunch since we started. Unfortunatly, I haven't been very consistant when it comes to the whole taking pictures and keeping records portion of the challenge. I could also see that the few posts I made on the topic weren't getting much traffic so I think its time to scrap the idea. Maybe I'll try again when life feels a little less like I'm caught in a sandstorm. (Will life ever again feel like I'm not caught in a sandstorm?)