when forgiveness is hard

Those words, they didn't just sting. They cut to my heart and made me question every piece of myself. They were the same words Satan whispers to me over and over again, every. Single. Day. "You just aren't good enough." I may have fought for  years trying not to believe those words, but coming from you, someone I thought I could trust, coming fresh and new and for the world to see, suddenly their truth swept me up again into a whirlpool of self doubt and depression. 

Wise words reminded me to forgive. Of course, forgive. It's so simple, right? Just utter the three words "I forgive you" and we all smile and pretend the pieces are right where they should be.

But for me, hurting, angry, forgiveness doesn't come easy. Shouting the verses at me doesn't make it easier. I know God asks if of me, so I'll say those three words. I'll say them a hundred times and then a hundred times more. But that hurt. Its still there.

How does that really happen? How does God do it for us DAILY? And why can't I seem to? What does it even mean when you say you forgive but the hurt and bitterness sweeps over again every time we meet? 

And then, tonight, months later, He shows me.

“As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4:1-6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Bearing...in love...keep the unity.

When, where did I get this idea in my head that forgiveness is for me, or the other person?  If it's possible, I was trying, unsuccessfully, to forgive for all the wrong reasons. Saying three words, no matter how much you should, won't change your heart. 

But I love the Church, the bride of Christ. I would do anything...even...forgive. Because that unity, hear me Church, we will get NOWHERE without it. But if forgiveness really is the key to changing the world, then it MUST start HERE. The world will laugh harder in our faces and hurt will run deeper in our cities until we can get it together. 

And when finally, my heart softened and the forgiveness was real, I found myself also forgiving myself. 

when my heart is overwhelmed

"From the ends of the earth I call to you,

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I." - Psalm 61:2

when my heart is overwhelmed with joy
When I look down at my children and my heart swells as they smile up at me; a squeaky "I love you," barely audible or understandable except by the one who knows that voice better than my own; when a squeal of joy and arms splayed open greet me, squeezing my legs tight at my arrival from work, as if the entire day has led up to this moment of homecoming; when sleepy eyes finally succumb to the sleep they've been fighting and sighs breathe heavy and this baby that once slept in my arms every night once again falls asleep, if just for a few short hours, near my chest; when laughter abounds and I momentarily escape the reality that these years are going to pass all to quickly and in the blink of an eye these babes will spread their wings and fly; when I consider the beautiful gift that these children you have entrusted to me are, and I'm overwhelmed by your graciousness, lead me to the rock where I'm reminded that I must also entrust them to you, for my joy is made most full in light of the giver of joy.

"Be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead."- 1 Peter 1:6

when my heart is overwhelmed with sorrow
When I consider the plans failed and the dreams that remain unreachable; when regret shouts at me that my failures will define my future; when tears stream down the cheeks of dear ones over hurts and brokenness, and my words fail me but my heart shares the pain; when I mourn the relationships of close friends who live faraway and those who have grown distant although they remain nearby and the dark of loneliness begins to suffocate; when I am overwhelmed by the many heartaches of this word, lead me to the rock that promises redemption of every situation.

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the LORD." -Isaiah 66:9

when my heart is overwhelmed with anxiety
When uncertainty about the future of my children steals my time and my focus is fixated on the questions looming ahead rather than the guaranteed present; when I shut myself down and stumble backward because these prison walls I create seem more comforting than the fear of rejection; when I close my fists and cling tightly to all I have, as if I can provide myself with a sense of security, because my faith in your provision has once again been given a backseat and my need for control has taken over the steering wheel; when I am overwhelmed by the exhaustion of needing to know what happens next, lead me to the rock that promises a perfectly mapped plan for my future.

"...It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will never leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."- Deuteronomy 31:8

 

 

Oh Father, I tend to find my heart in a constantly overwhelmed state, not often enough with joy and too often with sorrow and anxiety. Plant my feet on the steady rock of your unwavering promises, and when I start to be swayed by the winds, clasp my hand in your nail scarred hands and remind me that even in this moment, you will hold me steady until the storm passes.

 

"From the ends of the earth I call to you,

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I." - Psalm 61:2

 

A Post for the Moms Who Made It Through

There are tons of great "Mommy Bloggers" out there. Seems like everytime I turn around a friend has posted a link to a wonderful blog with a letter from a fellow mom of toddlers. It usually fits into one of three categories: "Post for the Mom Who is Worn Out Like Me", "Tearjerker Letter For Moms About Loving Your Children", or "Moms Unite! The Outside World Just Doesn't Understand What We {moms} Are Going Through." They are all so well written, and provide a bit a salve for our poured out, dried out hearts that yearn for someone to understand us. We take comfort in realizing we aren't the only one who longs for the days when we haven't cleaned up three spills by 9:00 am and are still in sweatpants when we run to buy dinner groceries at 4:30 pm. And then a few minutes {or on a bad day, hours} later we log off our smartphones and rejoin reality. We get called to the kitchen to clean up that fouth spill and try to remember the article that told us these fleeting moments pass all too quickly. This post isn't for you moms.
This post is for those moms who aren't in this life stage anymore, this "tunnel of toddlerhood," or even childhood, or maybe the teenage years. This post is for the ones who've come out on the other side and can say, with absolute confidence, "You've. Got. This."
My generation, my fellow mothers, we are ACHING for women to come alongside us and cheer us on. To mentor us when our harsh words spill over onto our children in our frustration, to rejoice with us when our pride swells for our reading preschooler, to listen to us and cry with us when tears won't stop becuase we just can't seem to feel like we measure up.
Remind me of the working woman in Proverbs when my guilt for picking up an extra shift at work chokes me and tells me I'm failing my children by not being able to stay home. Text us scriptures and pray for us throughout the day because surely you remember how, despite our best efforts to make time for the Lord each morning, undoubtedly one kid woke up early and needed a glass of milk and then the other threw a fit about running out of Cocoa Puffs and before you know it we are running 5 minutes late for work and haven't had time to find where the baby hid our Bible, let alone read it.
Volunteer to love on my kids in the nursery because my weary soul really needs a moment of quiet to just heal. Please invite us over for a meal because I really need a break from all these dishes {and be gracious when my 6 year old refuses to eat the lovely vegetables you put on his plate and my toddler spills his water all over your table}. Understand when I turn down invites to fun ladies nights, it's not becuase I don't want desperatly to be a part, but becuase I can't stand to give up one more night with my family when I already feel like I miss out on so much. Can we do dessert after I put them to bed, instead?
And, more than anything, tell us we are loved, we are enough. And when we say "Thanks" and smile with that smile that doesn't quite reach our eyes becuase we know you are saying that to be nice, say it again, and again, and again, and squeeze us tight so that the love can't help but pour into our bones and refill all those empty places where we've given everything we had left to give.That love that you pour out into us, we need more of that transformational love in our lives.
We need women like you to help mommies like us make it through. Because we are tired, we are beat down, and we are ready to give up. No one else knows this struggle--except YOU.
"By this, all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have LOVE for one another." John 13:35