Okay, here we go:
Wow! What a year! To say the last 12 months have been the toughest year of our marriage, the toughest year of our lives so far would be an understatement. Last Thanksgiving, we looked into the next year with excitement and anticipation of all the possibilities that lay before us. Chris had a new job opportunity that we found out would begin the following spring. In addition, we were finally expecting our second child, after trying to conceive for just short of a year. Our future looked bright and our hearts were full as we entered the holiday season. Little did we know that in just a few short weeks, our lives would begin a tailspin that would last nearly the whole year. The week of Christmas, my worst nightmare came true for a second time in my life: Chris and I experienced a miscarriage. Christmas morning all I could do was cry: How on earth could I celebrate the birth of God’s son, when he had taken my baby away from me? In January and February, I began to cling to God for peace. As I drew nearer to him, I found peace in the fact that He may have allowed us to go through those circumstances to grow closer to him. As the months passed, however, and Chris and I began a long battle with what the doctors called “Secondary Unknown Infertility” which is doctor speak for “we just couldn’t get pregnant again and they couldn’t figure out why” my heart began to lose hope. Throughout the next several months, I continued to experience all the stages of grief that had begun in December. I cried out to God in anger, I prayed for peace, I begged for an answer. On Easter morning, I was so mad at God, that I considered suicide. At the time, I thought God was being silent, or ignoring me. Now, I look back and wonder if I was so busy being nosy that I just couldn’t hear him screaming out to me to rest in his hands, to rest in his promises. In April, Chris moved to Oklahoma City to begin training for his new job, while I stayed behind to continue working and take care of Benton. While I tried to put on a “strong face” for the world, my heart continued to grow cold. My church attendance waned and I avoided my small group because I couldn’t stand the thought of my dearest friends seeing that I was dying inside. I also couldn’t stand to see how God was blessing everyone around me so beautifully while I felt left alone to suffer.
Oddly, despite all this, I never once doubted God existence. Questioned his motives? Daily. Hated Him for what he put us through? At times. Despite my lack of faith in His plan, I continued to pray daily, read Benton Bible stories, and keep my car radio tuned to a Christian station. When it came down to it, even though I was no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with God, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he was real, and I knew Benton had no future, if I didn’t continue to raise him to know and love God. In August, Chris’s training ended, and on his final exam he “failed” his training by less than half a point. He found himself unemployed and we once again found ourselves wondering why. Every man has an instinctive desire to provide and care for his family. When Chris lost his job, he was forced to face issues of his worth as a husband and a father. Fortunately, while my faith had been growing ever weaker during the summer, God had been working in his heart, growing his faith stronger and renewing a passion for Him that would become infectious when he returned home. Throughout the 3 months that Chris was unemployed, God began to soften my heart, to remind me of his love. In the little things; the way Chris would hold me when I didn’t feel like I could face the world, the way Benton would say “lobe you” to us every night at bedtime, when one of the beautiful ladies from our small group would send me an encouraging message, or just remind me they were praying for us. In the big things, when Brady would lead a worship song about God’s ability to create beauty out of the darkest times in our lives, in the way God provided for EVERY need, our cabinets stayed full, and EVERY bill was always paid. As God began to soften my heart, I slowly became able, once again, to see all the ways I was so blessed, and as I was able to see my blessings more clearly, I was once again able to trust God’s plan for our lives, despite our lack of answers. As job opportunity after job opportunity fell through for Chris, God’s voice became louder and louder in my heart; “I have a plan for you, I’m not finished yet.” So we kept trusting, and kept believing. We are so happy to be able to tell you that just two weeks ago, Chris began working full time again. Even more exciting to us, last week we got to see the little tiny heartbeat of our beautiful little baby, scheduled to arrive early next July. God is not only worthy because of the way he blesses our lives, the way he responds to our hearts deepest desires in his own timing and own way. God is worthy because he has a plan for us. He is worthy because He keeps the promises he made to us thousands of years ago. He is WORTHY because even when we are so overcome by our circumstances that we want to pull away from Him, His love holds us near His heart.
Romans 8 38-39 “I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord”
God’s love, above all, is what makes Him worthy of our praise. In our deepest sorrows and when we stand atop a mountain of blessings, GOD IS WORTHY!
