As most of you probably know by now, the doctor called today and the news was not good. My "pregnancy levels" were high which means that we should have been able to see a heartbeat at this point on the ultrasound. We had a couple options as to which step to take next, but we've decided at this point to wait it out let nature run its course. We will check back in week and if I haven't gone into "labor" by then we will start considering more agressive procedures.
I think now the hardest part will be waiting for it to happen, not knowing how I will handle it when it does. Even though we went through this before, it all feels new and just as hard, if not harder. It probably seems crazy to be blogging about it all ready, but there are so many emotions running through me right now, and most of them I can't say without breaking down into sobs. So instead, I'll type them.
Christmas is just 3 days away and I can't stand it right now. I am trying SO hard to get excited about it again. My favorite time of year, and I just want it to go away. Today I did more Christmas shopping thinking that it might get me back in the holiday spirit and get my mind off things, but instead I came home feeling exhausted. I bought everything I need to make my Christmas cookies and fudge tomorrow, I guess we'll see how that goes (if it even happens). It's all still in the car right now, I didn't even have the energy to carry all my groceries inside.
When I was out shopping, all the Christmas decorations had such optimistic words like "Joy" and "Love" and "Peace." I want those feelings back. Its hard to think that just 4 days ago, I was telling everyone else to get excited, that this is the best time of year. I guess most of all, I don't understand how God expects me to celebrate the birth of a baby when all I can think about is the loss of my own. It's like a cruel, ironic joke to me.
If you are still reading, I'm amazed you've put up with my pity party for myself for this long. I wish I could say this will be the last one, but I can't make any promises. While you are praying for peace on earth and godwill to men, please keep our famiy in your prayers over the next couple days. Most of all, pray for peace for Chris and I, and that we still find joy in the final days of the Christmas season. Pray for me that my faith doesn't falter despite my diasppointment with God.