In my head today...

**PUBLISHERS COMMENT: This is another post that rambles. Sorry, I've been doing that a lot lately. I guess my mind is adrift and this is how I process my thoughts**

I became one of them. I swore I never would. It happened anyway. I became one of those people who checks their phone every 5 minutes, who can't let an e-mail go for more than 24 hours unanswered, who didn't want to miss a Facebook post or Instagram photo op.
In the midst of all the new high tech ways to connect I was missing out on chances to connect with the people right in front of me, face to face.
I had to take a hard look at myself and how attached I was becoming to my phone, and I didn't like what I was seeing. It started small, no big deal if I answer this call really quick during dinner, right? Then it grew. I'm just going to check my e-mail REALLY quick before I get that juice Benton just asked me for. Suddenly I felt like I'd missed it all.
I hate admitting that I forgot how to just sit, how to just BE.
Do you remember when you were 10, and if you needed to talk to a friend, you knew you had to wait until they would be home to answer the phone? Remember when you would get actual pictures from family in the (REAL) mailbox? Remember how all that was okay? Somedays I think about getting rid of my smartphone all together, sometimes I HATE knowing what's going on with everyone and how crazy competitive it can make me. Why do I let it bug me when my cowoker has 37 likes on a photo of thier kid and I only have 4? Why do I find myself jealous when somone gets a chance to craft that Pintrest project before I do and everyone tells them what an awesome idea it is? Why do I care??? More importantly, how do I stop it?
I'm taking a step back this holiday season, I'm not sure for how long. I've deleted Instagram, Facebook, and Pintrest apps from my phone. I'm checking peoples blogs less and calling people more than texting to catch up. I'm finding ways to really truly savor each day with my boys, it is flying by too fast and I'm tired of feeling like I'm missing it.
I hope I can encourage you in the last days of this holiday season to join me- put your phone away for a few hours. Don't even check it, put it on silent and leave it alone while you squeeze your kids and laugh with your husband...and if you can't reach me, know that I'm doing the same  :)

Dealing

Wow. Sigh. Wow.
I don't know how to process what happened today, I don't know where to start. I feel like I owe it to myself to write this post so I can, at least in some shape, work though my thoughts.
Shortly after hearing the news I looked in the eyes of my 3 year old son and began to weep. How? Why? It makes me want to scream and vomit at the same time. It makes me want to lock my doors and never leave my children's sides. Our hearts are heavy and our heads are spinning as we greave for the families in CT tonight.
There are questions that will never be answered but my trust remains in a God who bears all our burdens and hears all our prayers. Even in these dark hours I see that glimmer of light. With Christmas so close, I can find peace in His promises, even as I fear for the future of my boys.

Innocent babies are being cradled by the loving arms of angels tonight, and they will never again shed a tear or feel pain. May our hearts remember that this world is not our home, this story is not the end. May all of us who have children waiting for us in Heaven remember that the Christmas story is the beginning of the reason we will one day hold them in our arms again.

Pie, pie, oh my!

Our church recently had their annual fall festival (oh wait...not that recent...a month ago) and of course, I had to enter a pie in the annual pie contest. I needed to find a way to top my pie from last year (last year I did a peanut butter fudge pie that won best presentation) and I think I did! I made it again for Thanksgiving and actually got to eat a big fat slice topped with ice cream. Yum. Add this pie to your Christmas table, I promise you won't be disappointed!  I make mine with a from scratch pie crust, because that buttery flaky crust is my favorite part of any pie, but you could also do a frozen crust if you're feeling lazy or crunched for time.

Caramel Cranberry Apple Pie



Pie crust:

2 1/2 cups all purpose flour

1 tsp salt

1 tsp sugar

1 cup butter

1/4 cup very cold water

Cut your butter into very small pieces and put half of them in the freezer and the other half in the fridge for about 15 minutes.

Break out your hefty Kitchen Aid stand mixer and combine the flour, salt, sugar and butter until just mixed (your butter should still be chunky).

Add 1/4 cup ice cold water and mix until crumbly but holds together when squeezed. Add more water 1 tbsp at at time if needed. DO NOT over mix. You want those little chunks of butter because they will create the buttery little air pockets when you bake.

Turn onto work surface and knead once or twice into a ball. Chill until ready to use.

Filling:

4 green apples

1/2 cup butter

1 tbsp flour

2 tbsp cornstarch

2 tbsp water

1 tbsp vanilla extract

1/2 cup white sugar

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp nutmeg

1 bag dried cranberries

Preheat oven to 350 F. Fill a medium bowl with water. Peel and slice apples and place in the water to prevent them from browning until you are ready for them.

Melt the butter in a medium-large pot over medium heat. Stir in flour and cornstarch to create a roux. Add 2 tbsp of water and the vanilla, sugars, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Bring to a simmer. Drain apples and add along with cranberries. Cook 5 min, stirring constantly. Remember to stand over the pot and savor the aroma, I swear at this point you have the smell of the holidays all simmering in one big pot.

 Remove from heat and allow to cool while you roll out crusts.

Divide your dough in half and roll one half out on a lightly floured surface. You want your dough approx 14 inches around to fill a 9 inch pie plate. Fill with your mixture of apple yumminess and add your second crust. You can cover the whole thing and slit, create a lattice top, or get extra festive and cut out some leaves like I did! Sprinkle with extra cinnamon sugar if desired.



Bake at 350 for 50-60 min until crust is golden. Best when served a la mode :)

Now it's your turn! Link back with your favorite holiday dessert!!!

Fail

So the toddler lunch thing...yeah...about that...
In theory it was a great idea, and I'm super proud of myself that I can honestly say I haven't repeated a lunch since we started. Unfortunatly, I haven't been very consistant when it comes to the whole taking pictures and keeping records portion of the challenge. I could also see that the few posts I made on the topic weren't getting much traffic so I think its time to scrap the idea. Maybe I'll try again when life feels a little less like I'm caught in a sandstorm. (Will life ever again feel like I'm not caught in a sandstorm?)

happy respiratory care week

This past week has been Respiratory Care week. Essentially this means lots of yummy free food at work and a "gift" from our department. Throughout the week several of my RT friends have posted a link to this video on their facebook pages. I'm normally not big on this kind of thing (a little too cheesy in my opinion), but I have so many friends (and honestly I sometimes think my family) who really don't understand WHAT I actually do. They know my title but not my job. In fact I have to remind some of my friends that I'm NOT a nurse even though I wear scrubs and work in a hospital. So watch it. You may not understand what we do now, but someday we may help save your life. I am proud of my job and love what I do. And if you know an RT, don't forget to give them a hug this week :)

WHO AM I?

toddler lunches. weekly windup

Well, I did it! I made it through one week without repeating a single lunch...only 5 weeks to go. I've decided to rate all meals on a scale from 1 to 5. One is a total flop and five is staying on the lunchtime rotation.  As promised, here's the summary:

Day one:

Meal: Turkey, tomato, and cream cheese panini, apple wedges
Overall rating: 4 1/2!!!
Pros: Delish! Different! I can't say enough about how much I loved this lunch.
Cons: I hate cleaning my panini maker
Benton and I were heading in from playing outside for lunch and I spied the panini maker that didn't sell in our yard sale sitting in a box by our garage door. We hadn't used this sucker a SINGLE time and were going to get rid of it, but I decided on a whim that today was the day. As I was reaching for the american cheese to throw together a few croque monsieur's, the cream cheese fell out and I was inspired. The final creation was a turkey, tomato, and cream cheese panini. Friends, I have a new favorite sandwich. Seriously, go to your fridge right now, get out the ingredients and make one. IT. WAS. AWESOME. So easy, so tasty.The only reason I am only giving this one 4 1/2 stars instead of 5 was that Benton didn't finish his apples and I LOATHE cleaning the panini maker (uh, hello, who makes things that can't be put in a dishwasher?!?)

Day two:

Meal: Chicken nuggets, cherry tomatoes, applesauce
Overall rating: 3
Pros: Easy
Cons: Processed
Frozen chicken fingers, applesauce, and baby tomatoes. Nothing exciting here, but I didn't promise wonderful creations everyday, I just promised different food every day. The fact of the matter is, I'm a working mom with 2 little kids and a busy life, I don't always have time to *COOK* and *CREATE.* Today my brain was shutdown and Benton got his way when it came time for the "What's for lunch" dilemma. On the plus side, Benton ate his whole meal.


Day three:

 

Meal: Whole wheat spaghetti with meat sauce, grapes, strawberry yogurt

Overall rating: 4

Pros: Healthy (somewhat?)

Cons: Slightly time consuming

For some reason when I'm cooking for lunch (I rarely if ever eat what Benton's eating) anything that takes more than 5 minutes is too much work. However, for his sake, I'm trying to invest a little more. I have learned a few tricks that I'm going to use to make mealtimes easier without being from a box. Example: cook up a pound of ground turkey (or beef) and freeze into 8 small portions for mixing into recipes. Suddenly, spaghetti with meat sauce takes less time than mac and cheese. Add some fruit and yogurt and it's a meal Benton and I both agree on.

Day four:

Meal: Chicken and Biscuits, chocolate chip cookie

Overall rating: 2

Pros: Easy. 

Cons: Cheating

I'm calling this one cheating because even though it't not a lunch repeat, it is a dinner repeat. Leftovers from the night before. I'm actually a fan of leftovers from time to time but I always feel guilty serving them to TBenton. He gives me the "Aww mom, not again" almost every time. I also didn't add any fruit or healthy veggies so this meal really was a flop in my opinion. The only reason the meal didn't get a one is because Benton ate it without complaining. 

Day five: 

 Meal: Chicken nugget happy meal with fries and apples

Overall rating: 5

Pros: Who doesn't love a happy meal???

Cons: Half my readers just decided I'm a bad mom for feeding my kid McDonalds

When I was a kid, I LOVED going to McDonald's at Halloween time to get the Trick or Treating pail Happy Meal. I looked up nutrition facts and a chicken nugget happy meal comes to only 300 calories (not counting the milk, forgot to add that in) so I honestly don't care what you say, I don't feel guilty at all letting my kid have one from time to time. Additionally, I'm sure he burnt half those calories off running through the play place. 

It has been a great week. As I'm sitting here with Benton down to bed, cuddling with Jude under my cozy quilt, I can't help but feel thankful for all the blessings in my life. Thanks for being my virtual accountability partners in this meal challenge!

Toddler Lunches, No Repeats; a 30 day challenge

We are in a rut- a big, fat, super deep rut. In fact, I'm pretty sure if I cook one more box of mac and cheese I might scream. Maybe worse. Benton has about 5 lunches we rotate through on a regular basis and I'm beginning to be concerned about him becoming too picky and not eating enough of all the food groups (namely veggies). In an effort to change it up, I've decided to create a 6 week challenge (Monday through Friday) to have a different lunch everyday for little man. My goal is to post pics weekly of each meal as well as a score based on the ease of preparation, health content, overall appeal, and most importantly, toddler approval. I'd love to have some of my fellow bloggers join me so we can share ideas! In the meantime, whats your favorite "go-to" meal for lunchtime?

WOAH...update!

Yes, I am still alive.
Yes, I do now have a baby- a beautiful, healthy, perfect in every single way baby boy. Since the last time I posted I was still VERY pregnant, it may be hard to believe that my little Jude is already 3 1/2 months old. I can't stand how fast the time is flying. I just want to stop and soak in every single second right now. My lack of blog updates has been in part due to the new baby, in part due to going back to work, and in part due to a computer which remains un-fixed post the Benton-Water Incident of 2011. But I digress...
I'm hoping to get back on the blogging bandwagon with a vengence now that my life is starting to resume a somewhat normal routine. I was recently caught answering the question "Why blog?" and it occured to me that I blog for so  many reasons, so I need to stay on top of it!
Today I'm going to give you the quick "Catch up, rundown" of the last 4 months. Then you are going to comment about how much you are glad I'm back to blogging and how much you missed me and how you checked my blog daily for updates. Deal?

June- Spent the majority of the month eagerly awaiting baby boy's arrival. Sweet Jude Adlen made his entry on June 28th at 12:18 pm. He was just a little guy, weighing 6 lb, 15 oz (Does anyone remember how much I boo-hooed that I was going to have a big baby thanks to the stupid GD???) My heart feels so overwhelmed with love for my boys, it's hard to imagine life without either of them.

July- LOVED having the summer as at SAHM while on maternity leave. I spent lots of time with family, cuddling my boys, connecting with friends, and enjoying God's many blessings in my life. I got to help throw a few bridal showers, including one for my sister which was so fun!

August- Was much like July. Chris and I started going to the farmers market every week for fresh produce and flowers and Benton became buddies with our neighbor boy, Jacob. Is he really old enough to start playing with the neighborhood kids already? It doesn't feel possible and I certainly don't feel ready to "let go." We also started doing basic lessons every day and I'm proud to say that Benton now can sound out all his letters, write most of them, and read several basic words and simple books. I'm sure every mom feels this way, but I think he is one gifted little man ;) We've recently started working on simple math and talking about the seasons as well. The last week of August we headed to Great Bend to begin final preparations for my sisters wedding. I'm not going to talk to much about that because it wasn't entierly a pleasant experience. I did love getting to be with my family, at least. That's what matters, right???

September- My sister got married on the 1st and Benton was by far the cutest ring bearer there ever was! The wedding came together, much to my surprise, and the only real downfall of the actual wedding day was the unbearable heat. I'm happy for my sister and her new husband, however, and wish them many many years of happiness. I went back to work the first week of September (tear). I'm so blessed to be able to work just part time now. I have somewhat ideal hours (our boys only need about 10-11 hours TOTAL of childcare per week) and still get to feel like I'm contributing. While I think about my kiddos non-stop at work, I'm thankful for where I'm at right now in the situation. I turned **. Birthdays just aren't fun at this age, I don't care what you say. Finally, we went to MN for a visit with my in-laws. It was actually a great trip, we came home feeling very blessed.

October- Chris and I just celebrated our 5 year anniversary! I can't believe it!!! It has been an amazing 5 years, and I can honestly say the cliche holds true, I am more in love today than I was 5 years ago. We also took our teens on a youth retreat last weekend, which was amazing. Watching our teens grow spiritually touches my heart like few other things can. This weekend we have NO plans, and I am SO excited about that.

I have a few blog posts coming that I'm excited about, including:
Bedroom re-vamp (It's going to be gorg!)
A few recipes I've tried recently (Promise, they are YUM!)
And more that I'm still reworking in my head...can't give away too much at once, ya know :)

So how about you, how was your summer? Give me deets!

36 1/2 week update!!!!

I think I'm the worst blogger ever.
Anyway, since it's been OVER a month since my last pregnancy update, I figure I should do one more. This will be my last one, since this baby will be here in just over three weeks (or less) one way or another. Here we go!
How far along: 36 1/2 weeks
Total Weight Gain: 19 lbs
Stretchmarks: UGH. Really started making an appearance over the last month. Yuck
Sleep: Ever since I started my new work schedule I've been sleeping really great. I do wake up once or twice to potty but otherwise go right back to sleep. Probably helps that I'm non-stop exhausted :)
Best Moment This Week: Finishing the room. Looks good. Feels good. I feel ready. I like that.
Movement: Movement is slowly dying down. Lots of hiccups though.
Gender: Boy
Labor Signs: Every little cramp or bit of pressure I hope means something..but alas no real indication of labor coming anytime soon.
Belly Button: Innie
What I Miss: All my favorite foods. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes a week or two after my last post and it is...depressing...exhausting...my worst nightmare. Okay, so it's not THAT bad, but its one of the main reasons I'm feeling so eager for this pregnancy to be over. It is not fun having cravings and having to ignore them. In fact, an extreme form of torture.
What I am Looking Forward to: Meeting my baby boy in the next few weeks! SO CLOSE!!!
Milestones: We had a biophysical profile screen (fancy ultrasound) last week and baby was measuring 6 lbs, 1 oz. EXACTLY 50 percentile for where he should be this far along. This is a HUGE blessing to me, after being diagnosed with GD I was constantly having nightmares that he was already 8 or 9 lbs and going to be huge. I feel much more at peace that he should be a very normal size baby. Also, as of this week I will be full term! I can't believe it!!!!

Happy 3rd Birthday to my sweet baby boy!!

Okay, so I'm FINALLY posting, about 2 and a half weeks late, and update from all the April goings on, primarily revolving around my little man turning 3. I still am not ready to accept that he's growing up, that he's a year away from preschool, that every day he needs me a little less.
Two was an amazing year, watching all the changes as Benton learned to play harder, speak clearer, and really show a personality (which, by the way, I am in love with). We spent his actual birthday in Wichita so he could swim at the hotel and ride all the "roll toasters" (roller coasters) at a little carnival-esque amusement park call "All Star Sports."
The real party was a week later. Everyone keeps asking me how it went and I cannot seem to emphasize enough how totally happy I was with everything. I have never in my life seen Benton smile more than I have that day (and believe me, he smiles a lot!) So many friends showed up celebrate with him too, which was fun.

I think his favorite part was this moment, when all eyes were on him singing "Happy Birthday."
Oh my goodness, I love this boy!
Three is sure to be an exciting year, I can't wait to see Benton grow more, and watch as he transforms from only child to big brother. I am truly blessed.

Baby update- week 28!!

How far along: 28 weeks (and one day). Third trimester already, I am in disbelief.
Total Weight Gain: 13 pounds...although I feel like its 25
Stretchmarks: Starting to notice them a lot more on the top of my belly. I don't think they are "new," just more prominent.
Sleep: I'm finally starting to not sleep as well...waking up every few hours for a potty break and reposition
Best Moment This Week: Getting the room painted! I am loving how the nursery is coming together, I've been spending a lot of time lately rocking in my new rocker (thanks mom!!!) just feeling him kick and imagining what it will be like to finally hold him.
Movement: Tons and tons of movement. Even when he is kicking straight down and it hurst like...a lot, I love the little reminders that he's right here and all mine for a little bit longer.
Gender: Still very much a boy
Labor Signs: I had some cramping/contractions last weekend but they are gone now and I'm back to praying he stays nice and cozy in there until July 4th.
Belly Button: Innie
What I Miss: Being able to sit comforably...and breathe normally. I'm really starting to run out of room and we have a long ways to grow!
What I am Looking Forward to: My baby shower next weekend! I'm so blessed.
Milestones: Baby is 2 lbs and 10 oz according to yesterdays ultrasound, and measuring just a little ahead of where he should be. Since my antibody screen came back positive earlier in the pregnancy, I'm starting to have ultrasounds and dr appointments every week now so we can keep a closer eye on the little man. I'm dreading having to go so often but thankful that I have a dr this time around who is very effecient (I rarely wait more than 5 minutes to be seen) and also that I'll get LOTS of extra views of him.
Here's a pictures of (approx) what hes looking like these days:

In other news: Benton's 3rd birthday is on Saturday. I think I might die. When did my baby grow up?? I'm looking forward to spending the next two days spoiling him rotten, and will post about it soon :)

Silly Quiz answers ;P

My lovely friend Kim from "Life is... tagged me in a "Getting to know you" style quiz. Anyone remember 8th grade when you emailed one of these chain letters on a daily basis? No? That was just me....oh well. I'm a sucker for 'em, so here we go again

There are five rules:
1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and 11 random things.
3. Answer the questions set for you in the original post.
4. Create 11 new questions.
5. Tag 5 friends and go to their blog/twitter and tell them that you've tagged them.

Okay, step one, a photo of myself:

A picture of my hubs and I circa 2007 that was recently sent to me. Ahh to wear a size 6 again....moving on....

Step 2: eleven random things about me:
1. I have an unhealthy obsession with cleaning products. I've recently forced myself to cool it down quite a bit, but, oddly, I love browsing the aisles in Target to see what new, wonderfully scented, miracle product they've come out with now.
2. I don't really like cooking. Or baking. I don't mind it, but I don't really enjoy it. I've discovered what I love is SERVING great food to people. The actual process of getting there, not so much. This is actually a fairly new revelation to myself I discovered when I began to dread that 4:30, time to start dinner time of day.
3. Pentel RSVP ink pens are my absolute favorite writing utensil. (Hey, you asked for random)
4. I don't really like yougert. I eat it almost daily. It's healthy. Would much rather have ice cream. Or french fries.
5. I don't like the greeting time at church on Sunday mornings. I'm too introverted. It always just makes me feel awkward, and I am inwardly having a panic attack every time they announce it until it's over.
6. When I was in high school I was nominated by several classmates at the end of my senior year as the biggest slacker of our class. I still maintain that they were just jealous becuase they didn't plan ahead and take all their senior level classes a year early so they could finish off high school with a year of easy electives.
7. I only put on makeup a few days a week. Not worth my time anymore.
8. About 50% of the time I'm driving, I wish I had a new car. The other 50% of the time I swear I'm going to drive my car until it has over 200,000 miles on it and no longer starts in cold weather.
9. I'm an impulse buyer.
10. I have wide feet- I hate shopping for dress shoes and cute sandals.
11. I'm really bored of trying to come up with random things about myself.

Questions from Kim:
1. What is your favorite season and why? Fall! I love the anticipation of the holidays and all the warm smells.

2. What is your favorite movie of all time? Rent. Chris and I went to see it for our first date EVER and as a result, it will always hold a very special place in my heart.

3. Do you still have your tonsils? Yup

4. What was your first car? A 1992 Pontiac GrandAm...baby blue, grey cloth interior.

5. How did we meet? Living Hope Church

6. What is the #1 guilty pleasure song you have on your iPod, iPhone, MP3 etc? I don't have any music of my own loaded on my iPhone, but my iPod (which I haven't used in years) has every Britney Spears album ever created.

7. Would your dream vacation be to the beach or the mountains? Beach!!!

8. If money wasn't a factor, what would your dream job/career be? I'm doing it...but I would do it MUCH more part time (one 4 or 8 hour shift per week) and otherwise be a SAHM

9. What is your favorite snack? Chili Cheese Fries

10. If you were going to paint your living room, what color would you choose and why? maybe tan?

11. What is the one item in your home (excluding people or pets) that you would save first if there was a fire? Benton's baby book and my wedding album (I can say both becuase they are right next to each other on the shelf, there's no way I would grab just one.)

Okay, I'm not going to create 11 new questinons and tag friends, mainly becuase most of my blogger friends who would actually do this have already done it. I'm lame like that.

Purple finger nails

Yep. I'm still alive. Haven't blogged in...a few months??? I knew this day would eventually come. The day I suddenly realized it had been months since I'd posted and few people would remember I even had one of these things. Anyone remember Xanga? Myspace?

Well, I've put off posting much at all about my pregnancy. Every once in a while I'll make a facebook post about recent updates but I try not to too often. I remember how it felt when everyone around me was getting pregnant, and CONSTANTLY talking about it, while we were stuck trying and trying and trying. It was a jab in my heart every single time. A daily reminder of where I wanted to be but just wasn't. As a result, I've tried very hard to keep from doing the same things to dear friends of mine struggling with infertility in various forms.
On the other hand, I also want to relish in this precious time, and share some of the wonderful blessings I'm experiencing with my family and friends. I remember a few friends posting weekly surveys about how things have been progressing and I've decided to do the same, but much less frequent. This way, I have something I can look back on and *someday* show the little one too.
SO, here's my 24 (!!!!) week stats:
How far along: 24 weeks- the BIG milestone (not counting end of first trimester). From this point on, no matter what happens to me, in a major emergency, baby would likely be able to survive outside the womb!
Total Weight Gain: 8 pounds. I'm bummed...I didn't want to gain any weight. Why can't I have months of vomiting and weight loss like a normal pregnant person?
Stretchmarks: None that I've noticed...but I try not to look ;)
Sleep: Lots! I feel constantly exhausted, like I can never get enough sleep. I need lots of pillows these days to be nice and comfy
Best Moment This Week: Getting to see him again and know that he's  a he for sure!
Movement: Finally started feeling movement from the outside a couple weeks ago, Chris got to feel Jude for the first time from the outside at about 22 1/2 weeks. I LOVE every little kick and squirm.
Gender: BOY!!!!
Labor Signs: Nada
Belly Button: Still in. Probably will be the whole way through, it was with Benton
What I Miss: Energy
What I am Looking Forward to: Starting to put the room together! I think we've FINALLY chosen bedding (after changing our minds AGAIN!) so I'm ready to get to work!
Milestones: Baby is now just over a pound and about a foot long (and my uterus is the size of a soccer ball...no wonder I'm feeling big!) Lungs are starting to develop more and produce surfactant (as an RT, this makes me very happy :) )
Here's what baby looks like about now:

Welp, that's it for this month in regards to baby Jude (Oh yeah, we have an name!!!)
PS I painted my fingernails a really lovely pale purple for spring, and I am LOVING them...hence the title of this post :)

My testimony

Whew, 2011! I can't say I'm sad to see you go! The year certainly had it's ups and downs, but a new year always feels like a breath of fresh air. About a month and a half ago, Chris and I were approached by our music minister and asked to share our testimony with the church for our Thanksgiving service. The thought absolutely terrified me. I have never been afraid of a stage, for those of you who don't know, Chris and I met in theatre. Speaking in front of a large crowd isn't what scared me so much, but sharing my heart was something I find hard enough to do with my closest friends. I really felt God asking me to do this for him, though, so I decided to give it a go. In the end, I was so blessed by the experience, and so grateful that I had been given this opportunity. A friend of mine at work, who had proof-read my final draft for me, encouraged me to post this on my blog as well. Despite my hesitation, I agree that it's a great way to give God the glory for the place he's brought me to, and am finally ready to share it with all of my friends and family who don't go to LHC. Here's your forewarning: this will probably be the longest post of my blogging career. Also, please note that this was written in early November, so when I refer to things that happened in the "last few weeks" they are actually news items from a few months ago.

Okay, here we go:

Wow! What a year! To say  the last 12 months have been the toughest year of our marriage, the toughest year of our lives so far would be an understatement.  Last Thanksgiving, we looked into the next year with excitement and anticipation of all the possibilities that lay before us. Chris had a new job opportunity that we found out would begin the following spring. In addition, we were finally expecting our second child, after trying to conceive for just short of a year. Our future looked bright and our hearts were full as we entered the holiday season. Little did we know that in just a few short weeks, our lives would begin a tailspin that would last nearly the whole year. The week of Christmas, my worst nightmare came true for a second time in my life: Chris and I experienced a miscarriage.  Christmas morning all I could do was cry: How on earth could I celebrate the birth of God’s son, when he had taken my baby away from me? In January and February, I began to cling to God for peace. As I drew nearer to him, I found peace in the fact that He may have allowed us to go through those circumstances to grow closer to him. As the months passed, however, and Chris and I began a long battle with what the doctors called “Secondary Unknown Infertility” which is doctor speak for “we just couldn’t get pregnant again and they couldn’t figure out why” my heart began to lose hope. Throughout the next several months, I continued to experience all the stages of grief that had begun in December. I cried out to God in anger, I prayed for peace, I begged for an answer.  On Easter morning, I was so mad at God, that I considered suicide. At the time, I thought God was being silent, or ignoring me. Now, I look back and wonder if I was so busy being nosy that I just couldn’t hear him screaming out to me to rest in his hands, to rest in his promises. In April, Chris moved to Oklahoma City to begin training for his new job, while I stayed behind to continue working and take care of Benton. While I tried to put on a “strong face” for the world, my heart continued to grow cold. My church attendance waned and I avoided my small group because I couldn’t stand the thought of my dearest friends seeing that I was dying inside. I also couldn’t stand to see how God was blessing everyone around me so beautifully while I felt left alone to suffer.

Oddly, despite all this, I never once doubted God existence. Questioned his motives? Daily. Hated Him for what he put us through? At times. Despite my lack of faith in His plan, I continued to pray daily, read Benton Bible stories, and keep my car radio tuned to a Christian station. When it came down to it, even though I was no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with God, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he was real, and I knew Benton had no future, if I didn’t continue to raise him to know and love God.  In August, Chris’s training ended, and on his final exam he “failed” his training by less than half a point. He found himself unemployed and we once again found ourselves wondering why. Every man has an instinctive desire to provide and care for his family. When Chris lost his job, he was forced to face issues of his worth as a husband and a father. Fortunately, while my faith had been growing ever weaker during the summer, God had been working in his heart, growing his faith stronger and renewing a passion for Him that would become infectious when he returned home. Throughout the 3 months that Chris was unemployed, God began to soften my heart, to remind me of his love. In the little things; the way Chris would hold me when I didn’t feel like I could face the world, the way Benton would say “lobe you” to us every night at bedtime, when one of the beautiful ladies from our small group would send me an encouraging message, or just remind me they were praying for us. In the big things, when Brady would lead a worship song about God’s ability to create beauty out of the darkest times in our lives, in the way God provided for EVERY need, our cabinets stayed full, and EVERY bill was always paid. As God began to soften my heart, I slowly became able, once again, to see all the ways I was so blessed, and as I was able to see my blessings more clearly, I was once again able to trust God’s plan for our lives, despite our lack of answers. As job opportunity after job opportunity fell through for Chris, God’s voice became louder and louder in my heart; “I have a plan for you, I’m not finished yet.” So we kept trusting, and kept believing. We are so happy to be able to tell you that just two weeks ago, Chris began working full time again. Even more exciting to us, last week we got to see the little tiny heartbeat of our beautiful little baby, scheduled to arrive early next July. God is not only worthy because of the way he blesses our lives, the way he responds to our hearts deepest desires in his own timing and own way. God is worthy because he has a plan for us. He is worthy because He keeps the promises he made to us thousands of years ago. He is WORTHY because even when we are so overcome by our circumstances that we want to pull away from Him, His love holds us near His heart.

Romans 8 38-39 “I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord”

God’s love, above all, is what makes Him worthy of our praise. In our deepest sorrows and when we stand atop a mountain of blessings, GOD IS WORTHY!