Hanging on a tiny thread of hope...

For the last 24+ hours I've been making vague facebook statuses, pleading for prayer, and trying to keep my head above the rising water of sinking faith. I promised and update for all you out there praying for us, an answer as to why you are praying, so here it is:

December 3, 2010: Positive pregnancy test, finally! Just shy of a year of trying to get pregnant and suddenly when we were almost ready to give up, God blessed our efforts with a teeny tiny baby growing inside me. No symptoms yet, except the fact that Mother Nature never sent her monthly gift. I couldn't be more excited or thankful. But, we are going to wait until Christmas to tell our families, and we'll tell everyone else after that...if we can stand to wait that long!

December 18, 2010: That's odd, still no symptoms, except a teeny tiny bit of bleeding. They say that's normal early on, I'll double check with some of the nurses at work tomorrow.

December 19, 2010: Bleeding is still light, and every website I read says its normal, but I'm starting to get nervous. I asked the nurses in the labor and delivery unit about it and they said to stop worrying. Completely normal. Chill out, drink some water, and look forward to being a mommy.

December 20, 2010: Something is NOT right. My gut tells me that despite what the nurses told me, something is very wrong. I called my OB and talked to the nurse, she said not to worry, my symptoms are not concerning at all and call if anything changes. Then the bleeding gets a lot heavier and I KNOW that my gut was right. I call my OB back and the tell me they will get me in tomorrow morning. I already know how this is going to go though. And the waterworks begin. I called my mom and she promised to head up to KC as soon as she got off work. Chris left work early and came home to be with me too. At least I don't have to go through this heartbreak alone.

December 21, 2010: My doctor examined me and said that her findings were inconclusive. They need to draw blood work and do an ultrasound before that can give me a final answer as to whether or not we have lost the baby. A few hours later, we see on the ultrasound that the baby is still there, but there is no heartbeat or blood flow. The ultrasound tech is also concerned that the sac around the baby is measuring small and the shape isn't quite right.
This afternoon my doctor called me after looking over my ultrasound. If my numbers in the blood work come back high, we will know for sure that the baby has already passed away. If the numbers in my blood work come back low, it could mean that the baby has already passed away OR that I am not as far along as we calculated. In that case, we will have more blood work drawn in two days to see if the numbers come back higher (the baby is still growing) or lower (the baby is not growing anymore). However, she stated that at this point, based on the size, the amount of bleeding, and the mis-shapen sac a miscarriage is 90 to 95 percent likely. And it isn't necessarily happening now, it could take several weeks before it actually happens.
So we begin the waiting game, the praying game. Most of me has given up hope, but there is this little bitty ray of light that says, hey, I still have a 5 to 10 percent chance of getting to hold this baby someday. To kiss its toes and squeeze it close to me. 5 to 10 percent. When the weather man says there's a 5 to 10 percent chance of rain, I leave my windows down. When a store sends me a 10% off coupon I throw it away because "That's nothing." But now, 10 percent is everything. It's my last hope.
There's a section in the Bible in Jesus is telling his followers (in the paraphrased Andrea International Version) "if you have the tiniest speck of faith, you can tell a giant mountain to move and it will! Because God CAN DO ANYTHING" I am tell this mountain to move, I am telling this baby to live and grow. I am telling God to give me a miracle. I have a tiny speck of faith. I just hope God holds out on His end of the bargain.
Please pray for us tonight, and tomorrow. If we get bad results, we will be making decisions in the following days about what route to take for the physical healing process to begin. If we get neutral results we will still be waiting over the holiday for any news. At this point, any good results will not come for weeks. But they still have a 5 to 10 percent chance of coming. God performed a miracle at Christmas over 2000 years ago, maybe he will perform another this year. My tiny speck of faith tells me He can. My tiny speck of faith tells me He will. It's the rest of my body, the skeptical, practical, logical portion which normally controls my thinking and actions that tells me to give up hope, to begin moving on now so that by Christmas I have some control of my emotions back. I guess we will see which one was right soon.