When God is quiet

"I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining;

I believe in love, even when I am alone;

and I believe in God, even when he is silent."

-found inscribed on a wall in a Nazi concentration camp following WWII

Throughout the last several weeks of lent, and the week following Easter, my heart has been in a battle.

I've spent weeks asking God why, what now, why, how long, why.

Every time I ask, I get the same answer.

Silence.

I've cried out to God for peace, screamed at him for answers, pleaded with him for blessings, shouted at him for a sign.

I keep getting the same answer.

Silence.

I've bargained with God, trying to use every chip I can come up with; I've searched the Word looking for hope, in my darkest hours I've threatened to take my own life.

His answer?

Silence.

But today, on my drive home from work, I remembered this quote I had come across a few years ago, "...and I believe in God, even when He is silent."

I don't have the answers I want, I don't have the peace I'm craving, I don't have the hope I once did, but I still believe. I still know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is up there, hearing every word, every shout, every teardrop.

This morning a song entered my head, and it's been stuck there for a few hours. It's by Joy Williams and the chorus says:

"It's okay to answer me with silence,

It's okay if you don't say a word,

'Cause you're testing me to trust you'll be faithful in this quiet,

So okay, answer me with silence."

I'm suddenly renewed in the fact that I will get through this time, I will come out a stronger woman, a better mom, wife, and follower of Christ. But for now, I'll just have to live with

SILENCE