Our big fat move

So, I'd pretty much decided to give up blogging. I just don't have enough to say that someone else out there isn't already saying. However, recent big changes have led me to change my mind. Namely, moving 4 hours away, changing jobs, and growing tired of everyone asking why we would possibly want to live in the small town in the middle of nowhere. So here it is, I'm finally ready to open up, and fess up, to what's going on with the Jeska fam.
Last fall, we came home to Great Bend, a small town in Central Kansas where my parents and sister and brother in law live, for a quick weekend visit. Every visit with my family is too short, but this one was especially hard, my heart truly felt pulled. I felt like God was telling me this we where we were supposed to be, supposed to raise our boys. I cried most of the way back to Kansas City after that trip.  I cried because I was tired of feeling like I was always saying goodbye to family, because I felt like my boys would grow up without knowing what it meant to have big family dinners on a regular basis, because my mom has always been my best friend and I was tired of being without her. Mostly I cried because I felt stuck. Chris and I talked a lot about it during that drive. We promised to spend time in prayer, seeking guidance and open doors. For a while nothing changed, good jobs can be hard to find in a small town, but our patience did finally pay off. I interviewed for a job at HaysMed and was offered a position in mid March. At this point we still weren't sure what Chris would do, but through family connections we were sure he could find decent employment here. Once again, God answered prayer. After discussion with his managers and his boss, he found out he will be able to stay on with his current company and work from home in Great Bend! God is so good!
I also have always wanted to raise my boys in a small town. I truly was terrified of having kids with a bad case of what I like to call "Johnson County Syndrome." I hope here in Great Bend, we can find a slower pace with more time to just. Be. Family.
Now for what tends to become the elephant in the room; "you're living with your parents?!?"
Chris and I both went to private college, it's where we met and fell in love. I wouldn't trade that for any amount of money in the world. However, in the process, we also acrued a significant amount of student loan debt. In Kansas City, we were able to get by, but I'd be lying if I told you we weren't living paycheck to paycheck most of the time to keep up. We got tired of spinning our wheels and feeling like we were getting nowhere, like we'd be paying on these loans for 30 years and stuck in a vicious cycle until we were over 50. We both wanted more than that. We want to enjoy life,
We don't want to just get by. We want family vacations, we want a nice home, we want private school for our boys, we wanted things we just couldn't afford if we wanted to pay off all this debt. We read the Dave Ramsey book a few times. I don't agree with a lot of what he says, but we did see clearly that something had to change, and if we stayed in KC, or even came here and got a place of
our own, it wouldn't. On top of wanting to get all those loans paid off, Chris is planning on going back to school in the fall, and this time we wanted to be able to afford to pay tuition out of pocket, no more student loans for us!. To say living with my parents is a sacrifice would be a stretch to say the least. My mom and dad are so incredibly supportive, they have made the whole transition better than I could have imagined. We have a whole floor with 3 bedrooms all to ourselves, in ways I feel like we have more space than we did in our home in Gardner. The neighborhood is one Ive always dreamed of raising my boys in. Benton has already had hours of fun playing with two neighbor boys his age. But its been hard being away from Chris while he finishes things up in KC. It's also been very humbling, some days I wake up and feel like a huge failure for having to move back home. Satan reminds me that I'm not good enough, because while everyone else is moving forward, we had to take some giant leaps back.  I try to remind myself that we are doing the right thing, and I really do believe we are.
I'm excited to post pictures of our new bedrooms and bathroom once they are all remodeled, and I'll keep you posted on my new job and some exciting things coming up for Benton. In the meantime, will you please pray for my heart in this time of adjustment. Pray that we quickly find Christian friends our age to do life with, and that we find our niche in the new small town.

Rainy morning

Early this morning Benton came running into my room crying. Even small rainstorms have always been a bit scary for him.
"Mommy, why does the rain and thunder have to come to our house?"
"The rain has to come so new things can grow," was the only answer I could come up with in my dazed, still half asleep state. Then it hit me, the simplicity of the analogy that I've heard a million times. It's old and cliche but to me today, in this weather, it was beautiful. It was the reminder I needed.
The past few weeks have felt a little grey and cloudy. The past few days my spirit has felt weary, like it was left out in a cold rain. I'm reminded this morning of God's promises of new mercies, and the beauty of his blessings through trials.
Can you sense the new things about to grow? I think I can :)

tough choices

I hate decisions.
Don't ask me where I want to go for dinner, I don't care.
Don't make me choose which outfit you should wear, I think they both look great.
The truth is, I've always been horrible at making up my mind. Part of it is the woman in me, and the other part of it is the planner in me. If I can't know with certainty the outcome of any particular situation, I can't feel confident choosing a direction. Then I had kids...
Did you know decisions are 287 times harder to make once you have kids? (I'm not sure on those exact numbers, but that's what it feels like...someone should do a study...) Every little choice feels like it will completely change the course of your children's lives, and nothing is more scary than thinking things could be less than perfect for little people who rely entirely on you for everything. More than lack of sleep, temper tantrums, and never ending laundry combined, big decisions are, in my opinion, the hardest part of being a parent.
Lately Chris and I have been in the middle of a few very big decisions. Deciding to go back to school, deciding to possibly change jobs, and as a result of both those decisions, deciding to move away from Kansas City. There are so many reasons I feel like we should move ahead with these decisions, and so many reasons I'm terrified we will regret it. I worry about moving away from both of the boys' God-parents, all of our best friends, our small group. I'm scared to leave behind the home where both of my boys have spent most of their lives so far, like moving will cause me to lose the memories. I sit here, literally crying, because I am so scared of the unknown.
My dear friend gave me the "Jesus Calling" devotional book for Christmas (if you don't have it, go out right now this second and buy it...seriously). I loved this tidbit from a few days back:
"... when the path becomes rocky and steep. Breathe deep draughts of My Presence, and hold tightly to My hand. Together we can make it!"
Will you pray for us? Pray that we would find clear guidance in the weeks and months ahead, as well as peace in the decisions we make, that the right doors are opened at the right times, and that in the meantime I am able to cherish these moments of the "in-between."