I think my heart is breaking. Literally. It's aching. To be real with you, I feel like God keeps letting me down and I'm starting to doubt how much he really cares. I mean, I have said 100 times that I trust him and he knows what's best. And maybe he does know what's best, but I'm having a hard time believing today that he wants to give us whats best. Or maybe he is giving me what's best but I don't know how to recieve it. Maybe trust is this huge ability that I don't have anymore. Maybe I never really had it. Either way, today I'm mad at God. I'm mad becuase I feel like he's holding back on us, and I just don't understand why. I bet most of you out there reading this are wanting to say to me "it's not up to you to "understand" " or "you'll understand in His timing" but I don't want to hear that today, becuase I've been telling myself that for so long now. And really, does it help?
So you're probably wondering where all this is coming from. Today we found out that Chris will not be going to Oklahoma City at the end of this month to start his new job after all. A little background for those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about: 3 years ago Chris applied for a job as an Air Traffic Controller with the FAA. He interviewed in May of 2008 and passed all of his testing except his color vision exam. Fast-forward to last spring: Chris took a newer color vision test and passed. He's been in contact with the FAA over the last several months and was told in July he would be starting his training in Oklahoma City for the new position on the 30th of this month. Last week he put in his notice at his current job and reserved his new apartment in OKC. He has been working on getting his drug screen and medcial clearence redone since they are considered out of date by the FAA since they were last performed in 2008. Today he got an e-mail from one of the people he has been working with stating that he is not actually scheduled for the Nov 30th class after all becuase he doesn't have all of these things up to date right now. (Even though he's been trying to get them done since August but they just a couple weeks ago sent him all the info he needed to get them scheduled.) So now, she has him "pencil-ed in" for early summer.
And now you're thinking "big deal," he has to wait a few months. And I probably should be thinking that too. But instead I'm thinking, WHY? When I thought we were finally going to get to a point where we could stop living paycheck to paycheck and start putting money in savings and really paying off our studnet loans. I thought we were finally going to be able to plan a vacation and be able to go out to eat without checking our budget first. I feel like I have so many friends who have it made, and since Chris and I got married it's been a struggle (financially speaking, that is). Yes, I probably should just be thankful we have enough to pay our mortgage and buy grocries and gas for the car but I guess I'm just not. I know that some of it is our fault, choosing private schools and being unwise with credit cards our first year of marriage. When we found out Chris was going to be starting this new job at the end of the month I felt like God was finally saying "Look, I am providing for you like I promised" and now I feel like God is saying "NOT!"
Chris keeps saying this is Gods way of asking us to trust him. But today I'm saying I can't. I don't have any trust left. I've beeng trying. For 3 years I've been trying to trust him with our finances. For the last 9 months I've been trying to trust him with our desire to have another child. And I feel like he keeps throwing these things back in our faces in so many ways and saying "Yeah, I'm giving your friends all these things but not you." For whatever reason. I guess they are more deserving. Maybe it's because they have more faith. They already learned the lessons God's trying to teach us I guess.
Well, I'm tired of this lesson. I'm ready for a new one.
Oh Andrea. I feel for you...and understand more that you could ever know. It's not an easy road to trust God fully, and I know it feels as if you are out of trust and faith. All I know to say is, "hold on." Throughout the past few weeks, a scripture has been brought to my attention. First in prayer group. Then in church. And then again at Women of Faith. I think He is trying to tall me something, and I want to share it with you.
ReplyDelete"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed"
Psalm 34:18
I know that it's hard to hold on when things keep happening. But, as I look over notes from this weekend, I keep coming back to what Sheila Walsh said. "Don't pretend that everything is okay. Admit what you don't have and hide your heart in Him." He knows where you are. He hears you. And he holds each tear. He brought Gideon through and He will bring you through too.
I'll be praying for you. If you want to talk, let me know. I may not have answers, but I can listen.
it's kind of ironic to me that i read this post now especially after spending time with you and hearing the amazing song you learned as a kid, i think it is very fitting in reply to this blog. And listening to you talk about the good side...isn't God good like that? There is always good in our lives, even in a situation that looks bad, but most times what looks bad just needs a focus or perception adjustment! What looks bad to us may look totatlly different to someone else.
ReplyDeleteLike someone's black eye might look really bad to us, but to them they're just glad they can still see, even if they are bruised! :D I know there might be some inconveniences but like one of my favorite scriptures says "ALL (not some :D) things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose."
I'm pretty sure you love God, and i know that you are called according to His purpose because
You are a Promise, You are a possibility. You are a Promise, with a capital P. You are a great big bundle of potentiality and You are learning to hear God's voice. And You are trying to make the right choices. You are a promise to be anything God wants you to be!" :D
Love you Andrea! We get frustrated, we get mad at God, and that's cool, but He loves you and when things don't work the way we planned, like you said we just gotta trust that he's got it...and guess what HE GOT IT! :D